This Pandemic is bringing out the best in some of us but the worst in others! Last month, my mom tried to stab me and instead of draining myself trying to make sense of her actions, I learned to be grateful she did!
Let me explain. My mom has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember. Well over 25 years now. So I eventually became numb to it. In order to cope with her drinking and the death of my father entering my adulthood, I started smoking weed daily. My mom managed to stay functional through her drinking disease until hitting her elderly years. But last year I officially moved back in with her temporarily. I relocated back to Chicago to train for a new career in environmental safety and construction management and she needed help maintaining the household. So she agreed to changes and putting forth an effort to regain control over her drinking and independence again. And with my help she made great strides.
But then my sister came for a visit and assuming that triggered her relapse to being drunk incessantly on a daily basis, she lounged at me with a pair of scissors during my morning yoga & meditation session few days later post my sister’s leaving. After getting a police escort to leave her space safely, I eventually pulled myself together. But reflecting on all the progress we made and realizing it had all gone right out the window in this single incident, I immediately plunged into a deep depression and I was not at all prepared for the following ways it affected me. I had been removed from her drunken abusive ways for
So long due to moving with my dad permanently at age of 12, that incident was so extreme it triggered my PTSD.
I struggled with flashbacks from my verbally abusive childhood and drunken rages dodging knives and meat cleavers, molestation she was to drunk to notice, anxiety and depression. But again I learned to be grateful for this new attempted stabbing incident because it became the ultimate inspiration for my 1st annual #OctSoberChallenge!💪
I despised my mom’s drinking so much and yet I didn’t realize I had become just like her. Trying to escape the disgust I felt for her drinking, I slipped into substance abuse with my weed smoking myself.Jessica Fallen
After almost getting stabbed this last time, I realized I had sooo much healing to do. The pain I blocked out to survive my childhood came back with a vengeance along with all the trauma I experienced navigating my adulthood. So the day I left my mom’s household for good, I decided to face my ish head on and actually start the work to heal through the trauma I had been coping with by smoking for the past 15 years.
I invited over 30 friends to do this challenge with me. And together we attempted to rid whatever unhealthy addictions we were facing 7 days at a time. Each day, we shared what coping method we struggled with followed by which healing method from a list I compiled to to conquer it. The healing list included suggestions like meditation, therapy, weekly massages, writing, drinking juice instead of alcohol etc. As often as we could, we were transparent about our struggles and methods of healing on our social media platforms and used hashtags #Octsoberchallenge2020 #SobrietyChallenge #HealingVsCopingMethods in hope of sharing what was working for us and inspiring others to follow suit.
The 1st 2 weeks were actually kind of a breeze for me. I started rolling my herbal tea in coffee filters for brew instead of rolling weed to smoke every morning and it helped curve temptation significantly. I would sip my tea listening to my gospel or smooth jazz every morning and felt sooo proud because each day I was taking a step away from the generational curse that was walking in on my mom most days after school, drunk listening to what black folk call oldies or dusties otherwise known has heartbreak music. I was grateful to have shared in a similar ritual but accomplished replacing the things used it in for healing instead of dwelling in and or creating more pain. I was now seeing through sober eyes and could easily identify all around me, those that are coping through these trying times and those who are also healing. I started therapy through my new job and writing became a priority for release. With these new tools, i wasn’t even really tempted.
I was doing so well and enjoying this new #2020Vision so much I didn’t want anything distracting me from this new journey. So in addition to being sober, I gave up sex and went celibate and cut back on my meat intake too. The last 2 weeks however, were a struggle. I had been working on my credit and finances for few months now, and this stabbing incident forced me into apartment hunting sooner than I anticipated. Of course after being met with denials and disappointment, I was triggered to default back to my old ways. But God!!! The universe intervened stepping in on my behalf to make sure I honored the agreement I made with it by blocking my every attempt I made to backside lbvs.
On the flip side, I had managed so much control over my fitness journey the past 5 years it had become my rock, my stability, the thing I leaned on when everything else in my life was out of control. For first time in my life in past 10 years, it wasn’t enough to help me get through this new trial in my life. I was forced to see how it had become a crutch keeping me from working on other areas of my life that desperately needed attention, my mental, spiritual and emotional health. Since I had little to no issues navigating my fitness journey, I now only had room to focus on my mental health and wellness. So although I still worked out my body, that was no longer the focus and cut back to once maybe twice a week of any. My mental fitness is now my daily chore. Instead of rating myself on the mountains I’ve already conquered, i’m now focused on rating my self on the effort I put forth to conquer the new ones ahead of me. So establishing my connection, walk with God, my mental and personal development has taken the reigns of my life.
I learned so much about myself these past 30 days. Although only me and one other person of the 30 invited to join me actually completed the challenge, despite I’m am sooooo so grateful. Without a doubt I can say I am not now the person I was 30 days ago!!!! I’ve gained Soooo much clarity, support and direction along this journey. I realized I don’t know who my mother is outside of her drunken state. I haven’t known who she was in 25 years and the truth is she doesn’t know who she is anymore. I’ve learned I haven’t really known my self the past 15 years because I stopped growing when I started smoking to cope. But I have enjoyed getting to know my self again these past 30 days. The good the bad and the ugly and although it’s obviously just the beginning, I’m looking forward learning who I truly am and becoming during this next chapter of my life. I’ve gotten back to My weekly yoga sessions 3 times a week and even gained a new yoga client. I now practice daily meditation using my amazing new online programs. I’ve regained control over the use of things that could easily become unhealthy habits again.
I’ve learned to navigate my displacement And or transition in much healthier ways and finally feel regaining control over my life again. I’ve been able to address issues I never felt brave or supported to address and actually heal through before. I’ve set healthy boundaries with those I love but also trigger My PTSD and depression and I’ve created stronger bonds with those actually putting forth the efforts in the same direction of healing and growth like myself. My bday is in 3 days. I’m entering it 35, fine and wise lbvvs.
Finally, as an online fitness, wellness and self love coach, leading by example has become more important than it has ever been. I no longer run online challenge groups but online support groups and the community and family bonds we create are truly priceless. I’m literally transforming my mind, body and business and It is truly my biggest life’s accomplishment and life’s work, walk and purpose and I am forever grateful. If you have yet to explore who you really are or are supposed to become, start with asking yourself these 2 simple questions. How am I healing today?. Who will I be at the next chapter of my life?!
The #OctoberChallenge has clearly come to a close with the start of this new month but If in you’re need of a support group or surrogate family to help you figure it out, or simply start your #HealingJouney comment below or inbox me directly. I got you! Happy #NationalAuthorsDay It’s #NoExcuseNovember baby! And time to #FallInSeason with your girls! #FitnessWithTheFallenTwins #LetsGetIt!